Two People I’m Not Going to Think About Any More (Until the New Year)

As you could probably tell from last week’s overwrought, first-year-grad-student diatribe, I’m a little burned out on politics. The nationwide zeitgeist is not only a rapidly evolving one — something this last election substantially bolstered — but one that is evolving more and more towards the socially progressive. So yeah, don’t get me wrong, I’m really freaking happy about that: the victories posted by advocates of marriage equality and marijuana legalization, not to mention the overwhelming Democratic victories and the GOP being strong-armed into not running any more rape apologists, can be nothing but good for the long-term future of this country.

The afterglow is, however, dampened by an overwhelming exhaustion. Aside from sitting down to write this column every week and putting on MSNBC in the mornings while I’m getting ready for work, I can’t generally tolerate political dialogue. Even on the left, it’s become so self-congratulating and masturbatory, each network tends to operate strictly within the confines of its own echo chamber. It’s nothing new, really, but it can wear on a mind and body.

Of course, there are still some figures out there that will be on the receiving end of one of my logic-flailing diatribes. They’re still around, still at least semi-relevant, and still semi-deserving of wariness and scorn. For the time being, though, we’ll stick with mini-diatribes. Think of this as a sneak preview for a column you’ll never read.   1. Grover Norquist

If you’re a hardline conservative, you have a blown-up photo of Grover Norquist taped to the ceiling above your bed, and you spend your nights waiting for the adhesive to give. If you have a lick of common sense or know the first thing about the effect that certain tax policies can have on the populace, then you know that Norquist is a drooling lunatic who lives in a world of his own construction, where income tax doesn’t exist and Ayn Rand is printed on our quarters.

Prior to the 2012 election, 238 out of 242 House Republicans and 41 out of 47 Senate Republicans signed a “Taxpayer Protection Pledge,” authored by Norquist, which binds the signee to “oppose any and all efforts to increase the marginal income tax rate for individuals and business; and to oppose any net reduction or elimination of deductions and credits, unless matched dollar for dollar by further reducing tax rates.” Essentially: no new taxes. Ever. Even if your country could really use the cash, and only plans to raise taxes on ultra-upper-bracket taxpayers.

Recently, though, four high-profile Republican lawmakers — Lindsey Graham (SC), Saxby Chambliss (GA), Peter King (NY), and Bob Corker (TN) — indicated that they would not follow through on their pledge-related obligations if doing so was against the best interest of the nation. Norquist immediately went into damage control mode, stating that this was simply an isolated case of four lawmakers having “impure thoughts,” because Grover Norquist is a lazy-eyed goober with a sixth-grade understanding of both tax policies and sexual arousal.

He’ll always be somewhat relevant among hardcore conservatives, and will mostly likely be a leader in the inevitable Looney Tunes version of the GOP that’s going to break away from the establishment in due course. But his claim to power and influence wanes with each establishment Republican that flies the coop, and his protracted, Glenn Beckian downward spiral is going to be delicious to watch.   2. George P. Bush

This family is just f***ing with us now, right? I mean, I don’t think they expect us to not know one of their clan when we see them, but this rotating middle initial crap has got to stop. It doesn’t help that George is a lazy name in the first place — these unimaginative hillbillies are recycling it amongst themselves like a moldy heirloom, expiration date circa 2008.

Where was I going with this? Oh yeah: so just who in the blue, thundering hell is George P. Bush? Glad you asked.

In familial terms, George P. is the son of Jeb and nephew of George “W” W. Bush. Though he tends to sidestep direct questions about his intentions to pursue public office — citing the very real and very hilariously monikered “Bush fatigue” among the populace — recent and not-so-recent events indicate otherwise. Let’s look at a timeline:

1988: At age 12, speaks at the Republican National Convention when his grandfather was nominated.

1992: Spoke again at the convention, though by this time had decided that Raphael, not Leonardo, was his favorite Ninja Turtle.

2000 and 2004: Campaigned for Uncle W.

Present: Daddy Jeb sends an email to donors asking them to support Lil’ P’s bid for Texas land commissioner.

George P. is also deputy finance chairman of the Texas Republican Party. The wheels, greased, are in full motion for him to ascend to national prominence. There are, however, one or two problems.

First, he once broke into the home of an ex-girlfriend at four in the morning and threw what can kindly be called a hissy fit. Per The Smoking Gun website, which has the actual police report to back this up:

On December 31, 1994, Bush showed up at 4 a.m. at the Miami home of a former girlfriend. He proceeded to break into the house via the woman’s bedroom window, and then began arguing with his ex’s father. Bush, then a Rice University student, soon fled the scene. But he returned 20 minutes later to drive his Ford Explorer across the home’s front lawn, leaving wide swaths of burned grass in his wake. Young Bush avoided arrest when the victims declined to press charges.

Given the GOP’s current track record with women, this is not, to put it mildly going to go over well, no matter how much time passes. All of us have acted like impetuous little s**ts at some point in our lives, but very few of us have driven spite-donuts in an ex’s front yard.

There’s a larger, repeating theme re-emerging here, though. See, George P. is half-Mexican, his mother a native of that country, and make no mistake: GOP strategists act like they’re playing the long game, but this is little more than the latest sad attempt to try and appeal to minority voters by simply throwing someone out there that looks like them, i.e. Allen West, Mia Love, Sarah Palin, etc.

If anything — and this is comforting to those of us with functioning empathy — this only reiterates how delusional the party has become. And that is knowledge that will keep me warm until January.You Might Also Like: