Got For It, Rick!
Santorum will never win, but just imagine what would happen if he did In case you haven’t been paying attention to the self-immolating circus that is the Republican primary season — and no one is, besides political crackheads and hack columnists who have nothing better to do during a freaking cross-country move — it was just announced last week that Rick “Deacon Douche” Santorum actually won the Iowa caucus, and not Mitt “Mr. Fantastic” Romney. On top of that, he won by 69 votes, instead of the original eight-vote margin by which Romney was originally reported to have won. Still, if you know anything about caucuses, you know that this still pretty much makes that particular contest a wash. Trying to declare a winner by a margin that infinitesimal is like trying to figure out which Christopher Walken is winning a staring contest: the answer is always both and always neither. So yes — this is a Rick Santorum column, though, in a remarkable exhibition of self-restraint, it is not centered on the hilarious coincidence between a Santorum win and the number 69. This renewed interest in the not-even-senator and his campaign will likely fizzle out in the next few months, but for now it’s given 24-hour pundits something to talk about for the next couple of days, so there’s no reason I can’t build a column around it. And so, invoking the Patton Oswalt mantra “Hang on hippies, I’m being ironic,” let’s proceed. A Santorum nomination, even a win, could be the best thing to happen to gay activism in this country since the rainbow bumper sticker. If we’re putting all our money on the reactionary factor, that is. Think about it: When Obama secured the nomination, and then the win, the verbal diarrhea flowed forth from the conservative opposition like a certain word that rhymes with “Zantorum.” Here is a list of things that Obama was accused of being after becoming President of the United States: Muslim Secret Muslim Secret baby-killing Muslim Hippie Socialist Hippie Socialist Black Panther Satan The real author of “Catcher in the Rye” MMMMUUSSSSSSLLLLIIIIMMMMMM! And so on. Even today, every time I make the drive down I-75 from Milledgeville to Fitzgerald, I see a billboard emblazoning, I imagine in the same accent James Woods sported in “Mississippi Burning,” “Where’s the Birth Certificate?” The answer of course, besides “the internet,” is “the same crate as the Ark of the Covenant.” Of course, none of those charges are true, and I’ll leave the issue of whether or not socialism is actually a bad thing for another column that I’ll never write. In reality, Obama has exhibited an almost naïve willingness to work with congressional conservatives, one that has seen almost no furthering of his agenda. He’s recently begun to play hardball, so kudos to him. For comparison, this is a list of things that Santorum has been accused of saying or doing, all of which he totally said or did: Consenting adults have no right to sexual privacy. All forms of birth control should be outlawed. Homosexual couples have no rights with regard to visitation, inheritance, adoption or, really, anything else. Homosexual relationships can lead to polygamy, child rape and sex with dogs. Anti-sodomy laws would prevent acts that “undermine the basic tenets of our society and the family.” That’s just from the now-infamous 2003 AP interview, which Santorum has since clarified to mean… well, exactly what he said. Again, if you are a decent human being with feelings and original thoughts, then you know that all of those statements are as intellectually valid as most YouTube user comments. It’s like Santorum can’t stop the lava-like flow of Santorum gushing from his face-hole. But can you imagine — can you imagine — the backlash that would occur should Santorum somehow unseat Obama? Vermont, New Hampshire, Massachusetts, Connecticut, New York, Washington D.C. and Iowa all allow same-sex marriage. Washington State is, at the point I’m writing this, two votes away from legalizing it. California, Colorado, Maryland, Oregon, Nevada, Maine and Rhode Island all recognize same-sex unions performed in other states. It’s legal in all of Canada. Canada! They’re most famous for maple syrup and hockey, and they’re collectively more progressive than the supposed mightiest nation on the planet. So go for it, Rick. Ride the momentous wave of you-know-what all the way to the White House. Your blackened, hateful soul is a waste of a human vessel, and you will be made painfully aware of it during those hypothetical four years. And if you don’t make it, never fret: You can always find comfort in the charred nether-regions of the Fox News pundit job that inevitably awaits you.You Might Also Like:
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