In case I haven’t been reminding you enough, I’m getting married this winter. If you’re reading this, you’re probably not invited, but that’s okay — you guys are from Georgia and why buy a parka you’re only going to wear once? Anyway, as the date approaches, Michelle and I are segueing from the “yay we’re getting married” stage of engagement to the “oh crap now we have to do actual wedding stuff” stage.
We’d already decided to operate pretty much outside of the wedding industry itself, but after Michelle came back from a day of trying on wedding dresses with a MurderDeathKill aura about her, we decided to practically run screaming in the opposite direction of the industry.
Side note: apparently when Michelle very politely explained our budget to one of the bridal store sales associates, the clerk/Kardashian enthusiast replied, “Well, I guess you could try on some bridesmaids’ dresses,” the word “bridesmaids” pronounced as if she were picking at a cold sore.
So obviously things are a bit left of center, including the venue, a local artisanal distillery and bar that really jives with our Midwest-redneck-chic vibe. To wit, we needed an equally left-of-center band. Given my background, I’ve been tapped to handle the musical side of things.
Like most decisions I make, this one has seen me go through an initial, completely irrational fantasy period. Also like most decisions I make, I’m turning it into an article. Please enjoy the Top Five Bands that probably won’t be appearing at our reception:
5. Torche
Why I Want Them: Do me a favor and go to their website. Click on the free download for their new song “Kicking.” Listen to it. Seventeen times. Done? I’m glad this is in print, because if I were talking to you, your eardrums would be useless, having just been blown out by rainbow-y sludge pop deliciousness. But aren’t you happy the last thing you heard on this earth was beautiful? Also, front man Steve Brooks is gay, and I’ve got a few guy friends who are exactly his type and whose inhibitions lower when they drink.
The Veto: Torche is famous for utilizing a guitar technique known as the “bomb string.” Basically, they tune the low E almost slack, so when they hit it open, it sounds like a nuclear device is going off inside another nuclear device. The distillery has some pretty fragile equipment, and the tremors set off by one of these bomb strings could result in about $60,000 worth of spilled sorghum whiskey. And that makes Jesus cry.
4. She & Him
Why I Want Them: I don’t hate hipsters… per se. Like, I wouldn’t actively fly them out to a deserted paradise island under the pretense of a free spa weekend, only to give them a two-hour head-start before hunting them down, “Most Dangerous Game”-style. But if the situation passively presented itself… you know what, never mind. She & Him is ubiquitous songwriter M. Ward and doe-eyed fake nerd Zooey Deschanel, i.e. hipster cred embodied. Paste magazine declaring their debut album the No. 1 record of 2008 was about as unexpected as a cat declaring a sudden nearby sound its favorite thing of that second. But they have a sort of pseudo-psychological sex appeal and, God help us, Deschanel would probably wear some flowery, semi-frontier-style cowgirl dress that would match right up with the venue and décor.
The Veto: Did I mention the pseudo-psychological sex appeal? Yeah, this day is about Michelle and me, and no way am I going to spend three hours watching our guests fawn over Deschanel’s pixie-face and Ward’s expertly trimmed five o’ clock shadow. Plus, Ward tends to be a moody bastard, so he’d probably just take our money and slump in the corner, strumming an electric ukelele and mumbling Hart Crane poetry.
I have no way of knowing that he’s ever done this before. He just seems the type.
3. LMFAO
Why I Want Them: They have such punchable faces.
The Veto: I don’t think I’d do well in prison.
2. Third Eye Blind
Why I Want Them: I’m going to admit something that will erode your estimation of my character, if that’s possible, and I’m totally okay with it: I. Love. Third Eye Blind. And I have for a long time. “Semi-Charmed Life” came out when I was about 11, and I eventually convinced my parents to buy me the album, because they apparently didn’t know the lyrics were about crystal meth, sex and crystal meth sex. But the song is brilliant, as is every song on that record, as is most every song Stephan Jenkins has ever written. There’s even a song on sophomore album Blue that’s about snorting Drano — it’s the most romantic song in their repertoire, and I’m not kidding.
What I’m saying is, Jenkins can set a mood like nobody’s business.
The Veto: He’s also, by all accounts, just an unfathomable dick. And maybe we should cut him some slack, what with the diagnosed ADHD and dyslexia and all, but this is a guy who dated both Vanessa Carlton and Charlize Theron for extended periods of time, and is all “whatevs” about it. He even seduced his Wikipedia page! Seriously, go see how sympathetic it is to him. I don’t need that kind of drama.
1. The Two Man Gentlemen Band
Why I Want Them: Faithful readers (Ed note: Hahahahaha! Hahaha! *wipes tear away* oh man, hahahaha!) will remember the feature article I wrote about these guys for the Metro Spirit, Mach Tom. I went to the subsequent concert at the Highland Tap Room, and for two hours absolutely loved the s**t out of two guys in bowler hats singing ragtime vaudeville songs about math and boobies, the Hindenberg disaster, and William Howard Taft. They handed out embossed kazoos at the end of the show, and I still have mine.
The Veto: I… no, actually, if they’ll agree to play a ragtime cover of “Graceland,” I think we’re all done here.
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